September 28th is the day my husband died. September 30th is his birthday. Forty-eight hours apart, every year, for eleven years. I recorded this episode on the anniversary itself — and it did not go the way I planned.
FULL SHOW NOTES
I woke up fine. I got ready, told myself I had my big girl pants on, and five minutes down the road it slammed into me. I cried the whole way to work, pulled myself together in the parking lot for two meetings, and cried the whole way home.
So this is not an episode about handling it well. It is four things that help, from someone who was still doing it badly that morning — and four things you can do for somebody whose hard date is coming.
Also in this episode: the family member who told my nine-year-old “I don’t celebrate dead people’s birthdays,” why we are eating hamburgers on the 30th anyway, and what my kids and I do at the grave site.
IN THIS EPISODE
If you are the one grieving:
1. Decide before the day what the day is going to look like
2. Don’t hold it in — do the thing that lets it out
3. Tell someone, or don’t. You don’t owe anyone your grief
4. Give grace to the people who say the wrong thing
If you love someone with a hard date coming:
1. Remember the date — put it in your phone and set it to repeat
2. Send four words — “thinking about you today”
3. Say their name
4. Any day matters — even a basic Tuesday
CHAPTERS
00:00:00 Two dates, forty-eight hours apart
00:01:29 “Get over it — it’s been eleven years”
00:02:49 Matthew 7: judge not
00:03:30 Grief is like a fingerprint
00:03:51 Recording this on the anniversary itself
00:04:13 The drive to work, and the parking lot
00:05:20 ONE: Decide before the day what the day looks like
00:06:23 Why the death day and the birthday are worse together
00:07:39 TWO: Do something with it
00:08:10 Wyatt, the grave, and the weed whacker
00:09:03 Asian Star — Clint’s favorite
00:09:42 The burger joint on his fortieth
00:09:50 “I don’t celebrate dead people’s birthdays”
00:10:34 Grace for the ones who haven’t lost anyone
00:10:52 THREE: Tell someone — or don’t
00:11:29 1 Samuel 16: the outward appearance
00:12:07 FOUR: Give others grace
00:13:30 Ecclesiastes 3: a time to mourn and a time to dance
00:13:50 The grief train you never bought a ticket for
00:14:32 For the supporters: four things
00:14:49 Remember the date, and set it to repeat
00:15:11 Send four words
00:15:39 Say their name
00:16:00 Any day can be the hard day
00:16:45 Be the angel on a basic Tuesday
00:17:49 John 11:35 — Jesus wept
00:17:56 Mosiah 18:9 — nobody is asking you to fix it
00:18:14 Fat dog day
00:19:00 Grief has a calendar
SCRIPTURE REFERENCED
Matthew 7:1-2 (02:21) — judge not, that ye be not judged
1 Samuel 16:7 (10:53) — man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart
Ecclesiastes 3:4 (13:02) — a time to mourn, and a time to dance
John 11:35 (17:15) — Jesus wept
Mosiah 18:9 (17:23) — mourn with those that mourn
CALL TO ACTION
Send this to someone whose hard date is coming. And if you have lost someone — what date is hard for you? Tell me.
LINKS
Listen: putonyourbiggirlpants.com
Watch: youtube.com/KamilleBauer
Speaking: kamillebauer.com